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Location: Brainerd, United States

Age: 46 yrs old

Gender: male

About:

I was born in Grand Prairie, Texas. My family and I moved to
Bountiful, Utah when I was less than a year old. When I was between the
ages of 2-5, I would sit on the ground and watch the ants while feeding
them bread crumbs for hours at a time. About the only word I said up until I was 5 years old was “papa.” When I was 5 years old, I was diagnosed “Autistic Like.” I was talking very minimal at the age of 5. I went to a Speech Pathologist until I was 12 to learn how to talk normally.

As a result of my abnormal speech, I was teased all throughout
elementary school. In junior high school, I felt like I didn’t belong
and was still teased constantly by most of the kids because I would
never stand up for myself. I can recall being teased and laughed at by
everyone in the classroom numerous times. As a result, junior high
school was one of the worst times in my life.  At times, I even took
physical abuse without fighting back whatsoever.

High school was slightly better. Some kids accepted me. When
graduation came, I was so glad to get out so I could put all of the
negative experiences in school behind me. To this day, no one could pay
me enough money to go back and relive my childhood years. I still have
occasional nightmares to this day of kids laughing and teasing. I have
never attended any class reunions and have absolutely no desire to do
so to this day.

When I was 18 years old up until I was 37 years old, my self-esteem
was so low/unhappiness that I dealt with numerous suicide attempts and compulsive gambling. I gambled most of my life to cover up any feelings I had to deal with. I couldn’t deal with the reality of life which is part of the Autism.
I would sit on the same slot machine for 12 to 18 hours at a time if my
money lasted. That way I didn’t have to deal with life…just the slot
machine. It was my escape. I had several jobs during those years
including a dishwasher, cashier, janitor, and a cab driver.  The reason
I worked was to get money to gamble.  I kept hoping I would win the
“big one” so I could actually live at the casino/motel.  That’s all I
wanted in life.  There were many times I wish God would take me so I
could escape from life for good.

Driving a taxi in Salt Lake City for 6 years, and also in southern
Utah for 1 year, was my favorite job because I had access to wheels…a
way to get to the casino. I would work 6 to 8 hours a day than take the
cab/money I earned to the casino. My boss didn’t care where I went as
long as I paid my weekly lease to him. Every time I went to the casino,
I had to drive 2 hours to Nevada since Utah didn’t allow any sort of
gambling. That never stopped me. I continued to gamble an average of 3
to 4 trips a week and lived a very unhappy life. I didn’t know any
other way to cope with life.

In 1999, my wife left me because of my gambling. I than moved to
Brainerd, Minnesota to be close to my family and to receive help for my
compulsive gambling. I knew I had to stop since it was destroying my
life. My parents and 2 siblings moved up to Minnesota in 1994/1995
since my dad was originally from here. I started to attend Gamblers
Anonymous in 1999. I did stop gambling for 2 years from 1999 to 2001. 
Then I started to have many relapses. I would quit gambling for 6 to 8
months…and than gamble again. I still couldn’t face reality full
force.  I did this for the next 4 years.

Finally in 2005, something inside of me clicked. I was so sick of
gambling my life away. I was determined to succeed. I started to take
life “one day at a time” and work my programs.

Today, I’m a 46 year old male. I attend 2 excellent support groups and a lot of “true friends.” I haven’t gambled since April 17th, 2005. I can honestly say I’m happy for the first time in my life!

Today, my escape from life is my computer. However, I make sure I
get out almost every single day to socialize and attend my groups so I
will never return to the destructive ways of compulsive gambling. I
also do productive things on the computer, which includes building this
website and maintaining it.

I started my website as a way to show others how I have learned to
cope with my mental health issues, and for a way for others to express
their ideas and to gain support from one another. I still struggle with
reality and/or expressing my feelings at times, but I have learned a
lot with dealing with my mental health issues and I hope to help others
in anyway I can.